Who am i

How are you better than anyone

How are you lesser than anyone

Each is still asking the question

‘Who am i’

How do we know

Who anyone is

A part of something

Apart from something

Meditation

To the mantra of i am love, i am peace, i sat for 10 mins, at one with myself. The mind kept wandering, jumping, and i wonder why. Even though i was sitting in meditation, even though i was affirming silently, even though my breathing was deep and steady, my mind wandered till i ‘noticed’ and brought it back. Does this show our awareness levels are so weak, or we have conditioned ourselves to look for excitement, or we have made our minds to be worriers, or we are so disconnected from our lives, that we are never fully present to a single moment of it. 

Life in moments

Today i saw a little boy crapping on a pile of garbage, his shorts in his hands. Looking all  around, he picked some rag or piece of paper from the rubbish to wipe his butt, felt with his finger for any left over dirt, wiped it on his shirt, and earnestly wore his shorts once again. Only for a moment, aware of the traffic sounds and bustling crowds, he nonchalantly moved with sure, steady steps, for something to play in the same heap. 

Life laughed in that moment, at each and everyone’s absurd notion of controlling it in any way. A false belief that ensures our environment adapts around the self, when the self has no control even over itself, let alone anything else. 

Insatiable life

These clouds 

They attract

Temptingly across a serene sky

And we give their shapes names

And they change buffeted by the winds of time

Leaving yet another mirage, yet another avalon

Chiding wearily our boredom

That essential thirst to feel alive

Grasping random choices

Adopting surreal temptations

Feeding a non-existent self

An insatiable life

No going back

There is a whole world in my mind

And each time i look within i see

A fresh horizon

A new planet

Changing seasons

Writing.. revealing.. discovering

Myriad stories 

Dream Experiences 

Or real

Unfelt, untouched, 

Life fast forwarded on screen

Waiting for the next moment

Craving the end

But there’s no going back….

Sympathetic quicksand

Sometimes pain shatters into fragments of anguished shards, looking around in earnest need, for healing, for answers, for a salve in assurance of time, fleeting or otherwise, passing away, leaving spaces in memory, to be filled with the desired strength of our choice. 

Sometimes we walk so deep into a moment, hand in hand with a random or specific thought, that either we, ourselves, or someone else has to yank us out of it somehow, lest the darkness overwhelms, envisioning an essential crumbling of imagined reality. 

We say we are troubled, but mostly we invite problems ourselves. Judging, criticising others for their behaviour, cutting a sorry figure for ourselves, we wear grief like a trophy, addicted to this false pedestal, of sympathetic quicksand. 

Experienced moments

Its beautiful in the garden, rocking to the creaking sound of the swing, enveloped by a cool breeze, almost incomprehensible. A group of old women chatting non-stop, finding a peaceful haven, of companionship in the lap of healing Nature. The breeze plays with my hair, hating to be ignored, teasing, present, happy. Children shout and play all around, losing to the mad cacophony of crows, indecipherable, impromptu. People walk in circles, ruminating, chatting, relishing an outdoors that has become so precious after the lockdown. Dogs laze in the grass, observing the antics of everyone around. Love the sight of children running and playing freely, joyously. Trees remain silent witness, observing from their high perches, a new scene, fresh heartbeats, unmatched stories, waiting for that one look, of appreciation, of love, of gratitude. Flowers laugh and smile, swinging on branches swaying in the breeze, or with birds playing hop skotch on them. Spilling over Earth in celebration, dressing it forming welcoming carpets all over its heart. A football rolls across the silky grass, adding a dash of coloured and beckoning fun. Old men form their own group of deep conversations, needing to be heard, even through shared silence. Mangoes weigh heavy on branches, creating a gratifying upliftment in every glimpse. Seagulls move in circles, imitating eagles rising high in disdain. The sky interspersed with clear shades of blue and white, adorned by a full moon looking down indulgently. So many stories form in hearts, in groups, in thoughts, in the windows of buildings around, as i write one of my own just like that. 

Adopting opinions

A friend came over to talk and she was so depressed about overhearing some family members who cursed, abused, accused and spoke really derogatorily about her behind her back. Could visibly see the crumbling caused within her, just hearing those words. The sense of betrayal, a feeling of being used, a questioning confusion for the reason for such venom, the sheer waste of all the minute and major interactions over the period of so many years. The dilemma of facing such people due to the import of the relations with a smile, or an outright confrontation with the parting of ways. So many emotions, so much hurt, and all for adopting words and thoughts and accusations of a messed up mind. A Belief and opinion of someone we don’t even like can matter so much, enough for us to fall apart. 

Heart and mind

A conflict between our hearts and minds has been there from time immemorial. Over the ages the argument still remains unresolved amidst constant debates both within and without. Maybe the answer lies in the fact that we are taught to keep an open mind and always follow our heart. Maybe this is the reason children are such quick learners or maybe a closed heart gives birth to the phrase ‘narrow mind’ for who can remain narrow minded with an open heart. 

Untouched abandon

So its the night of my daughters bday.. They are still partying.. And the smiles on their faces.. The sheer fun they find in each others company.. Uplifts my heart unimaginably.. We grow up feeling the burdens of responsibility.. But the company of children gives us the unabashed connection with our soul.. Provided we can let go of the burden of responsibility and accept our roles as simply a part of all the other facets of us.. The impromptu hugs our children give us speak of a seamless connection.. Fragile.. Precious..priceless.. In all such countless moments not a single one has seemed jaded.. Or adulterated.. Makes me just as happy each time.. We are blessed with many beautiful people in our life.. Every relation meaningful.. Momentous.. But we need to arrest it forever.. Needing assurances of a moment to stretch into forever instead of living a whole life in a moment.. I have so many unanswered questions about life that only i can find an answer to.. Provided i am willing to look deep enough.. To seek within what i await outside.. Really need to resolve to remove the mundane distractions of life.. And hold on to the essence.. To really look at it.. Understand it.. Imbibe it.. Enough to see the path i need to walk.. Loving.. Forgiving.. Myself.. And everyone else.. Everything else.. Answering to who i am accepting one by one all the roles i play.. With compassion and humility.. Everything that could possibly go wrong happened today.. And yet.. Here are my kids and their friends singing and dancing with untouched abandon.. And herein lies the truth behind all the unnecessary melodrama..

3:52 AM

Helter skelter

And so another day starts with its own aura of freshness.. Hope.. Another set of resolutions.. Held like a fistful of sand.. Slipping away relentlessly.. The mind is strong.. Then why give in to weakness.. We believe in beautifying our bodies religiously.. But our minds.. Not once we stop to see the state we are leaving it in.. Sometimes ugly.. Disheveled.. Hurting.. Or glowing.. What none can see, is not worth taking care of.. For life is about the outside.. That is our major belief system.. Leading us to a disconnect with our souls.. With our life.. There is an innate sadness in all of us.. Tensions and worries have become a natural part of life.. While happiness and contentment fleeting gifts we need to look for.. Our belief system needs to be changed and for that we need to understand the working of our minds.. Watch our thoughts.. That mirage-like chase us helter-skelter.. To rise above wisps of thoughts and enjoy their impromptu dance across the surface of our mind.. Respect its power with the awareness of your control.. Nothing reaches us until we let it.. And we need to learn to do that.. Do not let go of people.. Let go of your thoughts.. Everything is only as bad as how you think.. So teach yourself ways to think right.. To think different.. To laugh when angry.. Smile when irritable.. No one can affect you except yourself.. Believe and educate.. And learn.. 

7:02 AM

Truth

Today i want to speak of truth.. Writing always felt natural.. Essential.. Like breathing itself.. And here i am staring at the paper.. Penning erratic thoughts gone wild.. Like the clutter in my head.. The constant noise, cribbing.. Protesting.. Fuming.. Criticizing.. Worrying.. Having no trust in the soul that wrote only as much as the body could take in this lifetime.. Acceptance is the key.. I know it.. And yet.. The unreal becomes so real in the head.. Creating circles within circles.. Smaller and smaller.. And smaller.. And we keep shrinking within.. Truth seems such a mirage.. What really is truth.. What we believe in this moment.. Varying in every eye every heart.. And then we fight and argue over it.. Like truth has to be some gospel only we know about.. Our perceptions are delineating myriad truths as per our mindset in the present moment.. Changing us.. Forming A rigid belief system that torments and haunts us.. For only the fact of life in this moment is true.. And compassion for the self and everything around.. For the 'humanity' within.. Most everyone knows this truth.. But colors it according to their comprehension in the present.. Letting life buffet and whip us along into whirlpools of thoughts,feeling,emotions that seem so real.. Our truths tormenting us.. With a finger always pointing outside.. Shifting the responsibility to others with a resultant helplessness.. Waiting for things to change as a legacy of our life.. I string these words.. They look beautiful.. Let me hold them and just feel..

6:48 AM

Writing and journaling

We can see but somehow fail to register the power of our minds.. Whatever we say we cannot do to someone junior to us, changes the instant a superior tells us to do the same.. We cannot diet, or have no control over our food habits, but the same changes during a fast.. Both the things our mind is only telling us to do.. So why not coach our minds bit by bit.. Into doing the things we feel too lazy or timid to do.. There is extreme power in our head.. And we have been feeding it all the information it has.. And only we can change that.. Correct that.. Why let the mind decipher our reaction when we can give it a fresh response.. In a day, note the situations where you could not respond, and teach your mind a fresh response with conviction.. It is the only language it accepts and understands.. You can either write morning pages reviewing the previous day and moving on with fresh resolve.. Or write before sleeping reviewing the whole day and sleeping over a fresh response.. Writing gives clarity to our thoughts.. Focuses them completely, without running away distractedly.. Blame is what brought all the travails in our life.. And we continue to blame still.. For within blame hides our guilt.. And that personifies as lessons to be learnt in each lifetime.. Till we change blame to responsibility.. Recognizing our ability to respond.. A dog barks at us and we move away or move on.. A man screams and we scream back or deplete our energy with anger boiling within.. Noise disturbs us tremendously.. But the noise of crows or parrots we take in our stride.. Just because we think we can or cant do anything about it.. We lash out at our juniors saying they compelled us.. But can keep our control with a superior.. If Abusive language is a habit, how are we civil with important people.. Nothing in our world is out of our control.. We just need to create the right mindset.. Practice daily with the little things of life.. Satiate our minds with proof of fresh convictions..  

3:31 PM

Conditioned mindset

The days just melt into each other.. Disappearing bit by bit.. Every chance held within each moment.. To seek.. To walk within.. Waiting for things to happen.. To do.. When it is all inside.. In this moment.. And our love affair with this moment.. An exultant breath.. an ecstatic joy.. Why are eyes dulled with the weight of mundane deadlines.. Who will come and lift this burden away.. So used to always looking outwards for help and support.. For the realization of our existence.. For the value of our life.. That we never once think about our own duty towards ourselves.. For whatever we do.. Say.. Think.. Everything is intrinsically an extension of our own progress.. Ironically the more selfish we become, the less we care about ourselves.. And the more selfless we become, the more we end up caring for ourselves.. I hate that we can frown freely.. But have forgotten how to smile.. That we are so attentive with outsiders.. But ignore and dismiss our near and dear.. Just see how you greet a guest when they enter versus a family member.. Have we even stopped really looking at them.. We cannot be rushed for acquaintances.. But we can for a loved one.. Change this belief system.. How can it be right.. We really need to take that hammer and shatter that conditioning completely.. Start afresh.. Make your own rules.. Rules that speak with the freshness of your heart.. And teach yourself to smile.. For every moment is a blessing.. Not a curse..

4:19 PM

Reactional

The only way to actually stop being 'reactional' would be to pick situations through the day where we have later kicked ourselves and try to imagine a better way to handle things.. Maybe this checking helps become the solution we seek but are unable to implement.. Like the phone call today where i assumed it was about fresh help for the house.. Which it wasn't though that is really not important here.. What is important is the assumption.. The instant resistance.. The negative retort.. This can be changed by waiting to hear what the conversation was truly about.. So unhurried patience.. Then listening to the story.. So impartial attention.. Then responding to the situation.. That is calm acceptance.. Without getting worked up.. Understand the other persons viewpoint.. And the reason for your own resistance.. Fight old reactive habits.. Not the person or the situation.. Stress does not resolve anything.. Form ripples of peace.. Not whirlpools of discord.. If there is work stress, then look at the worse case scenario and accept it.. Then find solutions towards resolving it.. First remove the hammer dangling over your head instead of forever fearing it will hit you.. If the stress is health related, exude love not stress.. Fight your fears.. For only you have the ability to starve them.. Or feed them.. Enjoy the nuances of life.. It may be a fresh ray of sunshine.. It may be the fresh onset of night.. But it is always true.. Unique.. And original.. There is no competition.. No comparison.. Things and people are just the way they are.. You see, learn, adapt and change yourself.. Not everything around..

2:36 PM