The weight of reaction, and the freedom of awareness

Why is it so difficult to stop reacting to things immediately.. To give it a little time to be able to respond.. For it always backfires.. Do we really have to hold the reins so tight that we cant afford to set even a moment free to just be.. What makes us believe we are doing everything.. Why cant we step out.. Step away.. And observe.. Enslaved in lonely castles of egos voluntarily.. Looking past and beyond this veil should be easy.. But why are we unable to do so.. Why feel the rumbling anger seething through a perpetual frown.. Why ignore the gurgling joy waiting to dance through our smile.. A bursting ray of happiness we look for incessantly.. When it is right there.. Awaiting our choice.. What burden flogs us all the time.. The one we stare at.. The one we see.. The one we choose.. Accept the burden.. Its presence.. And don the joy.. Who tells us we cannot do that.. To express love is scary to express hate bold.. Expressing sadness underlines our importance.. Expressing joy undermines it.. Fight.. Keep fighting.. Resisting.. Understanding.. The magnetic lure of our unreal life.. Love generously.. Compassionately.. Empathically.. For the validation is in the very uniqueness of each heart.. Not in the judgmental superiority.. Questioning the very existence of anything disagreeable with our beliefs.. Even though we constantly change them.. Ourselves.. In unrecognizable ways sometimes.. For Truth only exists in the life of each moment.. 

2:11 PM

Churning within, chaos without

There is churning within and chaos without all amidst the tranquil beauty of nature compelling calmly to imbibe.. Enjoy .. Transport ourselves.. Why is it a norm to frown.. Who says you have to constantly show your upsetness and deprive your smiles just to get a message across.. To whom.. What about your heart.. Your life.. Precious moments that will never come back.. The rest of your loved ones.. Through no fault of theirs.. And the ripple effect of all that discontent.. That ire.. Just read a thought on writing your woes on sand and blessings on stone.. Simple beautiful thought.. Why is it so difficult to implement.. Despite the intention.. Despite the knowledge.. The conditioning.. The belief systems so deeply ingrained that everything becomes connected to our self worth.. What self do we need to prove worthy.. The body that anyway turns to ash.. Or the soul that is a reflection of divinity.. And does not need any proof.. If someone says something.. Or does something mean.. How does it hurt us.. Are they not hurting themselves.. Do they not need compassion instead of anger.. The ego does not exist.. We have to believe it.. Make it our new belief system.. Gathering so much stress towards things that others are saying and doing.. What are we doing to ourselves.. We are not here to prove anything.. We are here to learn and adapt through fresh experiences.. All the while waiting to see through the eye of our soul.. 

8:18 AM

The stranger within

We each of us are the complete center of our own world.. The entire universe an extension of ourselves.. Right from birth we start connecting with people.. And moving away from some, bit by bit.. And it is hard to imagine their life going on without us.. So many relationships.. Close bonds that become such an essential part of our life.. And then we meet them as strangers.. Like the bond just melted away.. Like the memories hold a stranger within.. How can we swear by anything or anyone then.. Even ourselves.. For in that moment it is impossible to imagine a life otherwise.. We are here to form relations with no one but ourselves.. The rest of the world is just here to extend a hand.. Teach a lesson.. Walk a few steps.. Exchange certain nuances left over from the past.. But none of us has built that bond with the self.. We are still looking for outsiders to support, understand and love.. Even accept our existence in their eyes.. And we feel empty.. Lonely.. Dissatisfied.. For none of it can be found outside.. The sense veils have to fall.. To distinctively realize the connection between body and soul.. The body is not the 'i' we refer to.. And if it is not.. Then who am i.. Everyone says the guru manifests at the right moment.. I yearn for that moment.. For within this seeking are disheartening realizations.. That darken.. Unfathomable.. Questions that desperately need to be answered.. How to walk further and further into the darkness without a lamp.. Without the way.. Fearing invisible claws grabbing at chunks of my bleeding soul.. And i look around in vain.. For that one step of faith.. I know i hold within..

1:42 PM

The dance of being

All the answers are there within us.. And our sub-conscience always knows what we are supposed to do.. But we get so embroiled in the tugging strings of past and future that every moment becomes a chaotic representation of our minds.. All the resolutions.. Every good intention gets transferred conditionally to some future date.. There is a hush deep within the roller coaster of our thoughts.. But the compulsive thrill of the ride would not let us get off or stop to touch it.. To feel it.. To meet it.. To embrace it.. I write incessantly, choosing the scattered bits of the letters of my soul.. Searching for the hidden nuances of the lyrics that play hide and seek.. With the rhythmic beat of my rapt heart.. To be in a moment.. To feel it.. To live it.. To watch yourself be in a moment.. To live it.. Feel it.. Is a mystery we have yet to solve.. All that is happening around us.. All the people around us.. Are here for a reason.. Trust in that reason.. Accept and move on.. Only this morning i wondered about nature and how we hold every bit of it within us.. The sun is our soul.. The earth our life.. The wind our senses.. The moon our dreams.. The sky our body.. The clouds our frowns.. The stars our smiles.. Wringing the poetry.. The music.. Nature encompasses our very being into this dance with creation.. Tiny sparks of divinity.. Waiting to be recognized.. To light the way.. To feel the oneness.. To embrace our uniqueness.. And wonder of the cosmos within..

7:41 PM

Anger

Anger just overwhelms.. It rises like a storm and destroys everything in its way.. Compulsive.. Essential.. Immediate.. But where is this anger coming from.. And why is it so hard to resist.. Whether torrent of tears or verbal tirade or physical abuse.. Just bursts forth like molten lava.. Freezing relationships into distorted shapes.. Can this be avoided.. Controlled.. Is it possible to look directly at the temper and ask it to stand down.. Just that one moment.. Just that one look.. Is enough.. For convincing our mind otherwise.. Whether thoughts of anger or calm.. Both rise from within.. Both a choice we make through our conditioning and beliefs.. We need to break the conditioning that gives us a handbook of naturally acceptable reactions.. The only thing natural to every human being is love.. So stop believing otherwise.. Stop acting against your nature.. Anger is not natural.. Tension is not natural.. What we believe about ourselves is more important than Whatever anyone says to us or about us.. Our words try to convince the world our convictions change it.. How to control this mind is the most important question here.. Going through this wild forest of thought-experiences each time.. Finds chaotic wild solutions.. The jungle being the norm.. We need to slowly form a clearing.. Plant fresh flowers and seeds.. Welcome the guests of experience.. Knowing they have entered our home for a little bit of your time.. Really look at things as ephemeral.. To create a garden of your choice..

11:22 AM

Missing

Divinity has granted us a cocoon as an embrace of love.. That celebrates our existence.. Hurting with us.. Protecting.. Guiding.. Justifying our very existence.. And even though we might take their love for granted.. It hurts like hell once they are no more.. The missing so intense it shakes our essence.. No one else in the world believes in every facet of us.. Lighting even the darker hidden facets with touches of empathic love.. My father with his quiet presence paced our lives with settled peace.. His stories became value guides.. His keen intellect showed us the way.. His trust forming a moral tapestry we weaved ourselves.. And the unmatched sense of freedom to be ourselves brought out an individuality exposed to all budding parts of itself.. And my ma.. In her eyes we could never go wrong.. In her hug we found a home.. Every word out of our mouth became her prayer.. Her blessing.. Her wish.. She was our rock holding us together.. The vacuum they have left is insurmountable.. The struggle in vain to fill those gaping holes.. Of suffering at the end.. The questions numerous.. The pain unbearable.. Wish no one has to see a parent suffer like that.. It puts you in an incessant whirlpool of hurting whys.. I miss them unbearably.. And though i understand death is a part of life.. And they fulfilled their role completely.. But the pain.. The suffering.. Has left these gaping holes that refuse to go away.. 

7:25 AM

Vanity

Vanity is an integral part of our egos.. The need to look good an essential part of our psyche.. We can take in our stride being rude.. Or abusive.. Or losing our temper.. But that blemish on our face.. The loss of hair.. A single wrinkle can give us sleepless nights.. One we carry over lifetimes.. One we burn away.. A strange belief system followed by each one of us.. What if we are gentle and compassionate.. What if our being is suffused with love.. Would that beauty surpass physical ugliness.. Looks are ridiculed, not an ugly temperament.. Appearances are judged before who you are.. Physical impressions the touchstone for a complete personality.. So our entire life is spent in keeping up with the woes of how we look, what we wear.. Trying to fit into the current fads.. And the soul withers in vain silence to be recognized.. Acknowledged.. Understood.. By us.. Skimming over a peripheral life.. We race towards completion unendingly.. We write a beggar off in our mind.. Hardly ever even look at the help.. The rich and the beautiful are ogled and aped.. Try to seek the beauty within yourself and others.. For that reflection heartens and satiates.. Helping the soul walk another step towards the light.. Instead of remaining stuck in the quicksand.. Or circling in a whirlpool of stagnancy.. Become the tipping point of a changing belief system.. Have the courage to just be.. For therein lies the truth.. Therein resides divinity..

6:54 AM

Cocoon of darkness

We are so embroiled in our own world that everything begins and ends with ourselves.. Centers of our own universe.. The world revolves around us.. The suns of our galaxy.. This is the ego.. So full of its individual presence.. Unable to see its own reflection around.. Every story has to begin and end with us. The broader aspects of ourselves are of no concern whatsoever.. The supposed love for friends and family hesitating at the threshold of differences of opinion.. Never allowing the love to seep into our senses.. Creating a sensory oneness of pure insight.. But the love remains attached to our ego.. Every declaration dependent only on the individual self.. So much discord.. Such disquiet.. Unhappiness.. Everything can end.. It is in our hands.. But we would rather hold on to our ego.. And let go of everything else.. Looking around with accusing eyes.. Blaming divinity for our lot.. Alienating everyone.. Imprisoning ourselves with the true culprit, our own ego.. How to break down these barriers of the self.. Has anyone even scratched the surface.. Trying to tear it down.. Contented in the cocoon of darkness.. Secure in its benumbed passivity.. Even a chink of light glaringly hurting and hurriedly blocked.. This is the path.. The people.. We chose for ourselves.. Each step we choose to pave with thorny stems plucking the roses and tossing them behind.. Living within the outlined shadow.. Never looking within.. Never knowing who we are..

6:12 AM

Notes of music

Holidays mean a lot to us.. Is it an escape from our mundane routine or just the outdoors.. The call of nature.. Its healing power.. Its rejuvenating energy.. Calling out to us.. Looking around.. Maybe for the sake of pictures.. But taking time out to do so.. In the midst of family and friends.. A shared harmony within and without.. Using this time to actually look at each other.. In shared empathic awe.. Enjoying a company we dismiss in rushed impatience otherwise.. The same sun.. Moon.. Stars.. Trees.. Flowers.. Present.. Yet.. Hidden behind concrete material.. Heartening spurts of glimpses that satiate fleetingly.. So I wonder if the holiday is from life as we know it.. Embracing each other and nature to freeze frame for eternity moments that are precious but believing them to be stolen.. Or not a natural part of our life.. The open spaces seem to expand the peace-fields within.. Brushed with Sun-kissed stems of jubilation.. Or twinkling hope laughing across our mind-sky.. Stimulating every pore with exhilarating magnetism in absorbed oneness with the universe.. Vibrations of love dancing over nerve-ends in impromptu steps of divine beats.. Yes, i can create my world.. Yes, i can nurture my world.. Yes, i can destroy my world.. And no one but me is responsible for it.. Holding the trinity.. The cosmos.. I conduct the notes of music rising within.. Transporting myself and everyone around into the experience of a lifetime.. 

11:20 AM

Shapeshifters

It is so early nearly 5am.. Pure serenity all around.. Hushed flames of muted light winding into the depths of the sea.. Frozen waterfalls of color.. Beckoning compellingly to the seeker of quiet beauty.. A lone dog barks begging for a response.. The birds still fast asleep.. The lights on boats blink intermittently.. Tiny beacons of hopeful survival catching its breath for a moment.. Every bit of this world is reflected within.. I know it is.. I can feel a whiff sometimes.. Of hurting missing.. Why is it so difficult to see.. To feel.. To explore the world within.. These words.. These thoughts.. Arise from where.. What is the source of the poetry.. The venom.. If 'i' am thinking.. And i am writing.. And i am dying.. Then who lives on.. If my words are meant to seer eternity where is the eternal music that ebbs and flows at the shores of a peripheral life.. Untouched.. Abandoned.. Pure.. Serene.. Standing in the midst of these thronging thoughts that assail.. A city of changing shapes.. Under the premise of life.. And i love this city.. And i desperately seek to run away.. A rider gone wild with the horses it rides.. If i could only open the layers of the moment.. Like the petals of a lotus flower.. Sensually seeping.. Imbibing.. Experiencing.. Every breath of creation.. Able to see the jungle.. The animals.. The wilderness that holds my address.. My home.. That feeds loneliness and a terror of stepping out.. Shape shifters of masked theories carving random directions into a lost paradise..

5:49 AM

Fate and destiny

Today i got up at 5.30 specially to start writing the morning pages again.. Writing is such an integral part of me but lately i find a dissociation with my soul.. And feel maybe this is the missing link.. There is so much trivia going on around and getting roped within.. Not on its own but by myself.. There is a wholesome core within all of us which we let shatter into tiny little disjointed pieces that constantly cut and hurt ourselves.. In this conjecture over fate and destiny i wonder sometimes.. Is resistance the answer or acceptance.. We have drawn a path for ourselves, hoping we would carpet it with flowers not stones.. This resistance.. This struggle.. As if we are bringing about all the change around us.. But the one changing is only us, nothing else.. I have total respect for my mind.. But why do i forget i still hold the reins.. The thought-horses have been trained.. But they run amok reactively.. Only i can see them.. Watch over them.. And respond accordingly.. Sometimes setting free the thought that wants to race ahead.. In this journey we feel the burden of responsibilities.. Destroying ourselves under it.. Instead of taking that one step away.. With the awareness of a responsibility to ourselves.. And a healthy journey ahead.. This frown.. This disquiet.. This stress.. This frustration.. All of it is a choice that we make every moment.. Getting further away from our natural self.. Choking over a life that is meant to set us free.. 

6:09 AM

The truth

 

Ready to learn

 

Things we carry

 

A perfect life