Joyous crescendo

June17,2013

Today MONDAY, got up early and made tea.. Finished reluctant fundamentalist.. A discussable book in the sense that it is topical.. Didnt like the style of writing.. a friend called for suggestion on write up for his daughter-in-law’s bday.. S surprised me with idlis.. Such a heart tugging gesture.. Made me really happy.. the little things in life are the ones that satiate our soul stringing a symphony over heartbeats and smiles.. rolling laughter.. dancing eyes.. a joyous crescendo reverberating satiating our soul.. Have been intermittent rains whole day.. There is this constant need to embrace the whole world.. Need to start with my family.. Words of acknowledgment.. Words of praise.. A simple hug.. Anything that says, i love you.. why do we do this.. why do we look outside for satiating our soul.. and our near and dear ones go unnoticed.. Is it about 'looking good' i wonder.. Or a bigger circle of praise.. Finding our family as a part of us.. we limit special gestures to special occasions.. Dismissive.. Embroiled in the mundane.. Focusing all our attention on formalities.. Family name.. Fronts.. thus remaining as empty shells..

8:06

Population explosion

June14,2013

Today, FRIDAY, got up at 4.30, wanted to greet the dawn in quiet peace.. Embraced the day and the elements.. Really cool breeze was there.. and dawn's pale light spread across the cloud-blanketed sky.. Almost like pearly moonlight.. Its a beautiful sight.. the slow real slow changing hues across the skies.. and the bird sounds muted through the trees and slowly louder and louder as they spread their wings to streak across the sky playfully.. you can even hear their wings flap at that hour.. Eagles soaring real high regally.. A few doves flying proudly.. Crows impatiently calling everyone awake.. A veritable population explosion of birds as they all stretch out their wings.. Soaring diving gliding circling floating even speeding.. It was a beautiful array, rarely seen or noticed.. Can still hear the birds.. Almost makes me want to hear understand and talk to them.. Fly with them.. Soar with them.. Feed them.. Shelter and protect them.. Within their free environment.. It had been pouring the whole day.. Everything looked so clean freshly washed.. Purified almost.. Maybe due to a strange clarity in the evening sky.. the breeze unimaginably cool and intoxicating.. Compelling beckoning to a love affair with the elements..

23:00

Generation gap

June13,2013

Today, THURSDAY, got up in a rush.. Tried sorting my phone and ipad.. Phenomenal job it seems.. It was pouring like crazy.. As if the clouds were exploding.. Has been beautiful outside whole day.. the distance between Parents and children is but a step away, provided one of them takes it.. Else it becomes insurmountable over time.. Initially parents need to take that step in order to teach by example.. we keep blaming the generation gap.. why cant we just accept that everyone gets to be on both sides of this gap at some point.. and enjoy the childish immaturity of our youth and the maturity to understand the difference now.. It is definitely love and protectiveness that enhances the gap.. and in really rare cases possessiveness or selfishness.. Our children understand more than we can ever comprehend.. and what with the yawning age differences today.. Probably better equipped to handle crises situations too.. Even as we see ourselves easily fall apart sometimes.. Its a strange peculiarity in our system.. Expectation.. That we need appreciation and gratitude for everything we do.. and quite a lot of our recriminations stem from that.. A usual litany, 'we did so much for you' .. But why do so much that you handicap the other person emotionally, mentally, physically and in every way possible.. Teaching them to take people for granted.. Getting everything on a platter.. Just makes them spoilt, petulant and disgruntled when things dont go their way.. and the first finger points at you.. They become selfish because thats how we let them see the world.. By making everything about them in ours.. I think every parent owes it to the other to inculcate respect for each other.. Asking a child to make sure of the others well- being.. 

22:51

Escapism

Sept15,2016

Today is anand chaudas, our non water fast.. Most of us fast, but without understanding why.. Is it the inherent faith.. Is it the ritual.. Is it a belief system.. A penance.. A sacrifice.. Or a cleansing.. Or purifying.. Of body and mind.. Maybe a bit of everything making it a means of giving up the negativity within.. Escapism also seems to be inherent in most of us.. From things.. Situations.. Circumstances.. People.. Life itself.. But how do you escape from things that are in your own mind.. You stop running.. You face the issues in your mind.. Listen.. Understand.. And help your mind let go of the troubled thoughts.. Gifting it hope.. Trust.. Faith and confidence instead.. Lately i have felt really distanced from myself.. Like a straw buffeted around by everything around.. Seeing mom suffer like that.. The helplessness.. that traumatic time with family.. Have all come together as a protest.. A disquiet.. Infinite questions.. That need to be answered not by running.. But by stopping to face them.. I miss her breakingly.. Its like my very essence has been shaken.. She has been the rock in my life.. A loving lap where you know nothing in the world can harm you.. Where you just cant go wrong.. Bringing out only pure beauty.. And strength.. More and more i realize we need to coach our minds.. Our education system definitely has to incorporate this as a part of the curriculum right from childhood.. How to deal with your own mind..

6:54 AM

Unravelling

Sept23,2016

This unraveling has to stop.. And no one else can do it except me.. I see and hear a stranger.. I feel like one too.. denying portions of myself.. listless.. Soulless.. Aimless.. grieving.. Where and what has shifted inside.. What am i not able to understand.. If i protest my life.. Then why am i making it worse.. The only person that needs changing is myself.. I am meant to change situations, not let situations change me.. Be happy, as a natural state of mind.. What is the worst that can happen, that wasn't meant to be.. Each time we fall sick we readily take a pill, an injection, a surgical procedure.. Because we know they are meant towards a cure.. Why cant we accept the difficulties of life in the same way.. I love my kids and i need to give them the assured security and trust of control.. A faith that everything will be ok.. More and more the strangeness creeps in.. A shadow that makes my words fade away bit by bit.. And i want to speak.. To write.. The story in my soul.. Visibly sifting through a handful of letters.. Unaware of the lyrics melting into the silence of rhythmic poetry.. Unseen.. Unheard.. Unformed.. But there.. Waiting to be touched.. Waiting to be felt.. Waiting to be transformed once again.. 

6:36 AM

Unflustered

June12,2013

Today WEDNESDAY, got up real early and greeted embraced the dawn ineffectually.. Mornings are so beautiful these days and everyday i feel my eye sight is so limited.. Like there is so much to take in and am simply not equipped to do so.. But the bird sounds are so distinctively clear and mesmeric.. Can distinguish between the crows and sparrows and parrots and mynahs too.. Was reading in the inferno how venice because they have no traffic sounds the birds can be heard so clearly and beautifully.. Weather is still awesome.. the sun barely coming out in the past few days.. Has started to drizzle again.. the sea a dark grey and clouds heavy.. Bursting almost.. Its pouring now.. They just could not hold on any more.. Can here the soft pitter patter of the rain with intermittent sounds coming in waves of downpour.. A strong cool breeze playing with raindrops.. Swinging them around in glee.. An aural feast i realize as i close my eyes today.. Evening had a kahwa and sat in the window with my daughter for some time.. It was beautiful outside.. the parrots racing each other with loud screams of glee.. Birds literally gliding over the cool breeze rejoicing in the weather too.. the sea was at once calm and choppy.. Waves rocking the fishing boats to and fro.. Beautiful ripples forming over the calm sea.. In unique synchronic designs.. Those were real uplifting and heady moments neither wanted to end.. Am reading the reluctant fundamentalist.. Seems like there is so much to do and so little time to do it.. G keeps wondering how i appear so calm and unflustered.. I dont know if thats the truth or facade myself.. Keep trying to fight the urge to hurry or worry or despair.. Knowing somewhere deep down everything will work out as we have wanted it to.. and no amount of fretting can change that.. Keep trying to enjoy the journey instead of focusing only on the destination.. Need to listen to music more.. Sing more.. Dance my body seems to have a rhythm n beat all its own and every pore responds to it confounding me completely as to following any steps:) i love to dance.. and i love to sing.. and laugh.. I could laugh for no reason at all.. What happens as we grow older.. Does the inner music fade.. For our heartbeats desperately need those steady notes.. To keep the tempo right.. In sync with the rhythm and the melody nature strings for us.. So our souls can dance to a perpetual high.. Enough to lose ourselves.. Enough to transcend.. Enough to find ourselves.. Enough to be.. One.. With the cosmos.. With divinity.. With one and all.. S came to wish goodnight and make sure i was okay.. and though i was writing.. I really am trying to give up whatever i am doing in such moments and be exclusively there for my kids.. 

22:42

Celestial foreplay

June10,2013

Today MONDAY got up normal time to a darkened sky and constant downpour.. Where you could see nothing for huge distances.. Read inferno which is nearing completion.. Really fast paced and tough to put down.. Now in bed writing, which has really suffered because of trying to finish the book on time.. Seems like there is so much to do.. Read ..write ..sort out the blogs ..index all my books.. and enjoy this weather.. Which overwhelms completely.. the more i try to take it all in.. the huger it feels.. The torrential downpour this morning, the darkening sky.. the ecstatic sea.. Like some celestial foreplay resulting in a cleansing of everything it touched.. Felt.. Caressed.. Drenched.. the birds hiding in quiet shelters.. Silent spectators of this joyous mating.. Gotta sleep now..

23:52

Spellbinding ecstasy

June9,2013

Today SUNDAY got up early Went for coffee with the kids.. Had it at marine drive.. It was awesomely beautiful.. Pouring and drizzling intermittently in a competition all their own.. and i loved every moment of it.. Walked on the parapet for the first time ever with S.. Watching the waves crash into the rocks.. Pale yet determined.. A silent duel trying to wear each other off.. Tiny pellets of raindrops defiant derisive of containing the sea into any boundaries.. Even as i looked around to see everything and everyone drenched in its cascading touches.. Fleeting.. Assailing.. Uplifting.. Went for a walk enjoying the romance of the breeze and rain on my skin.. and hair.. Senses enamored .. overflowing.. Ineffectually wanting to soak it all in.. Into that one single moment.. and all i could feel was mute spellbinding ecstasy.. Are these the fleeting touches of divinity that we recognise in moments that we let ourselves see.. Came back home.. It is still pouring outside.. There is a strange mesmeric music in the sound of the rain.. the waves lapping against the rocks.. the sound of water falling from a great height.. Or flowing over rocks.. and each note different unique.. Entrancing.. A divine orchestra of natural instruments.. Averring music is there in every atom every pore.. to which the elements dance in seamless synchronicity.. What is this essential reserve inside that falls shy of physical giving.. Yet intensifies words to a draining extreme.. Where people fall shy of knowing how to react in the face of such giving intensity.. 

23:01

Path of light

 June8,2013

Today SATURDAY got up to greet and embrace the dawn.. the sun coming up.. Clear skies.. Drove around till breach candy.. Weather was awesome.. the clouds darkening with unnamed emotions as they seemingly met the lit up sea across the horizon.. Could see the path of light coming down from the skies.. Who do they make way for in such a ceremonious way.. It is almost impossible to grasp such beauty even for a moment.. Leaves your heart bursting with a desperate need to expand and encompass.. sometimes we feel an unnamed disquiet with our poise almost slipping.. Such useless things we waste our time and mind on..

23:59

Sensual opera

June7,2013

Today FRIDAY, the weather is awesome.. Sky really overcast with huge clusters of pigeons on the terrace across from us.. Drinking the little collected water there.. Sea a deep grey.. Softly rippling waves trembling across its expanse as if at once impatient snd excited to dance with the impending drops soon to reach home.. Feels like a hill station right here right now.. I wonder sometimes why we need to get away from time to time.. Even though it is to the same places.. Is it the weather.. Or break from routine.. Relaxation.. Or just escapism.. Cant we break the conditioning and have a similar holiday at home.. the day the weather is beautiful.. Take it as a holiday.. Go on a long drive.. Have relaxing prolonged tea watching the rain.. Have dinner in the balcony amidst lamps or candles.. Or a picnic on the terrace.. Watch movies.. Play games.. Do sight seeing or shopping.. Rediscover the place you live in.. After all the weekend destinations are also the same each time.. Why is This conditioning so hard to break.. The ripples have intensified.. Fluid patterns awaiting embracing the seamless drizzle wordlessly lost in this mating dance.. To a pulsing music beating soundlessly within.. The clouds thumping like beating drums.. As if in celebration of this homecoming.. The sea rising in waves of gratitude.. and smiling froth.. the cool breeze unveiling for this joyous occasion.. Running free and amok.. With its invitation to one and all.. A sensual opera  thats free magical and intoxicating.. went for a drive.. the weather was stupendous.. Really overcast with a light drizzle.. the sea a dark crestfallen grey.. As if unable to wait anymore for that torrential cascade.. and the sky vying between shades of indigo and blue.. Flitting hues of indecision.. and bittersweet parting..

1:41

Yeh jawaani jai deewani

June6,2013

Today THURSDAY, got up to greet the dawn.. Embrace it with joy.. Life is in its moments.. and we need to live them.. Really completely live them.. The movie was torn between following your dreams and setting down roots.. Love the changing thought processes of youngsters portrayed in movies like this.. Which speak of responsibility and focus going hand in hand with the pure crazy fun of youth.. If you love someone you should be able to let them go.. Loving is not synonymous with possession.. It just is complete in itself.. and should be deep enough to be happy in each others joys.. we all believe loving means to hold on.. But it also needs to let go sometimes.. Ranbir Kapur seems to have such deep sadness in his heart.. 

23:04

Masters and guides

June5,2013

Today, WEDNESDAY, got up around 7.. Greeted the day with a wide embrace and smile.. Accepting this phenomenal gift our senses are unable to hold all at once.. These tiny whorls over the sea like involuntary frissons of emotion caused by fleeting touches of the wind.. These birds sitting around in shared companionship rejoicing in the moment.. Sipping tiny drops of water on the ground.. Has rained early morning leaving a wet sparkling sheen everywhere.. Drops of water clinging to the glass in myriad designs vying for nothing but to realize their own identity.. Reflecting varying truths within each eye.. Was reading a few pages of the book 'fakir' and he says that we always have masters and guides around us.. and we should acknowledge their presence.. Always.. By quiet offerings of everything we have.. That we can never be lonely or alone.. Someone is always looking out for us.. So much love! Such care! We gift our kids houses and toys and food and clothes etc.. But look at these gifts of nature.. Fresh.. Unique.. Heart-warming.. Uplifting.. snd these masters.. Silent hands helping.. unknown.. and still we are scared.. and still we are alone.. N called to say bye since she was leaving for del.. Told me about some ganthiya as food for crows.. To feed them everyday same time so they get used to coming.. Its really strange that here i write about crows being ignored and i come to know that shops actually sell food for crows!.. She also asked to feed the ants a mixture of sugar and aata dry.. to mix fill in bottle and sprinkle a pinch of it outside every day.. Its still not raining.. the sky a clear blue.. How clear the sounds of birds in the morning hours and during the day traffic sounds drown out everything else.. Can still hear intermittent chirps.. and so want to train my ears to drown out the traffic sounds instead.. Who teaches these birds anything.. They have to spread their own wings and learn to fly.. Sensing the weather.. Any danger.. Building shelter.. Knowing the directions they need to fly seasonally.. Would we too understand and sense much more if we could shut out the noise.. Do we all come naturally equipped with the sense and ability to survive.. Look at all these birds insects and animals.. Never needing to wear clothes whatever the season..

8:16

Uncharted paths

June4,2013

Today TUESDAY morning, got up quite early but the sun was out and real strong.. the weather is quite pleasant in the evening, with birds happily chirping amidst free falls and flying antics.. Playfully showing off or racing each other freely across the skies.. If we put all their population together wonder how much it would be and how and where they find food and shelter, and quiet peace.. Without scaring the human race as competition.. the parrots scream the loudest aping the human race.. Deserving show-offs, with those dazzling stunning designer shades of green and shaming the brightest lipstick colors of red.. Crows and ravens just might be the bird police in disguise.. Keeping an eye on everything and everyone around.. Ignored.. Dismissive.. and shunned.. the pigeons and the sparrows suitably camouflaged.. Former harbingers of peace.. and fed so openly in droves as such.. and the latter, babies of the family, flitter around hopping here and there.. Cutely part of the scenery, but never a part of adult affairs.. the mynah and cuckoo rarely seen, make their presence felt with ethereally plaintive love songs painfully soothing uplifting joyous.. G’s friends son passed away, and she wanted to know why what does this mean.. Just sent a msg of consolation to an inconsolable emotion.. Really feel empty and desolate right now.. Trying desperately to seek solace in nature.. In its calm cyclic acceptance.. and constant stalwart dignity and beauty.. Freely giving of itself.. Without judgment, hurt, criticism, pride, vanity or ridicule.. Is this what meditation aspires to.. Fear and faith are these the two words that hold the key to life.. Our fears prey on us.. Blinding us to every other truth.. Our fears never change the outcome of a given situation instead create myriad future health issues.. 'In this moment i have everything'.. That is all we need to see.. the meaning of life eludes everyone.. Except the ones who can 'see' .. They too are unable to gift-wrap the answers.. For expecting some huge resolution to a phenomenal mystery the simple answers explained escape unnoticed.. An answer each needs to seek within themselves.. Being unique faces of God at play, each needs to quench His illusive dream thirst for being 'human' experientially.. Till ready to awaken into divine singular omni reality.. Have not been able to speak to mom.. Called her, she did not pick up.. Without specs one only see blurred images.. and sometimes i wonder, what if we could take off the conditioned lenses in our Minds and once again see the world as a hazy picture with undefined lines.. needing personal clarity.. and unique outlines.. Foraying discovering Uncharted paths whether outside or inside.. Without the clouds who would play hide and seek with the moon.. There is something about the fluid movement of the waves.. Rhythmic.. Gliding.. Smooth rise and fall.. Breathing.. Alive.. A minuscule sheen lit up with the froth of exertion reflecting unaware lights here and there.. Moving lurching my soul in an echoing sound at once tranquil and soothing.. Alluring and beckoning.. the sky lightening with huge crowds of unbroken clouds.. and i realize the power of white.. Defying this dark night into visible waves of light and a pearly night sky.. Today again i realize life is really fleeting and our minds desperately need to be harnessed and de-cluttered.. For in this present moment our eternity resides.. To ignore skip and leap into the future only lands us painfully lost..

23:30

Sensual foray

June 3,2013

Had a crazy headache today.. But a friend took me to her house later to show some bracelets and meet her guests and i almost forgot all about my headache.. Socializing really is good for health because we all are so used to keeping a happy front that our minds completely accept our acting out the all-is-well part.. the moment i reached home i could again feel the hammering and nausea.. It is outstandingly beautiful outside.. the breeze unimaginably cool.. Not just imperceptibly but aggressively.. Passionately.. Assailing in waves of pure cool pleasure.. Sensitizing every bit of skin it touches in teasing impromptu ways.. the sky almost partly cloudless like a matador still for the bullish dark clouds.. Regal.. Powerful.. Poised.. Fluid... and the sea darkening in still awe.. As if tensing with bated breath for this dance that would reflect within her very depths.. the boats clustered together, like silent spectators.. Tense.. Still.. Braced to bear the brunt of the clashing of these awe-inspiring titans.. A few stray drops quivering across the quiet waves, as if whispering their joyous fate.. and the birds try to find shelter in the lush greenery and splashes of beckoning color, sensing, hearing, nature's messages in respectful acceptance.. and i sit at the window.. Completely enamored.. By divinity.. In its ethereal folds.. Drenching everything and everyone with pure uplifting joy.. Its really pouring now.. the sky holding just a wee mist of light through the night sky.. the sea reflecting the city lights like licking flames of fire lighting their unique paths deeper and deeper.. Myriad lights on the boats blinking their own messages like shiny morse codes.. Streetlights decked like topaz necklaces.. Buildings with windows of varying hues as if personifying their unique stories.. And i sit here at the window.. Needing so much to say.. Hiding a stillness.. A calm contentment.. Mocking words desperately trying to encompass this sensual foray.. Streaks of lightning tremble across the sky in muted anger or hushed revelry none has yet realized.. Light sounds of traffic reach up to us.. It is time to retire for the night.. Got ruzbeh babas no. Called and left msg too.. Let us see what happens.. I strongly believe things happen for the best.. and if intended.. This contact will happen.. Hope God will guide me towards the right path and show the way.. Really accept things are meant o be.. But wish for strength to bear the difficult times together with love and positivity..

Soul quenchers

June 2, 2013

We are so rushed in doing the mundane in our life that we miss out on all the precious soul quenchers that god has freely left around for us.. Still we look up and crib.. Complain.. Never once thanking him for giving us so much.. In such heart-refreshing ways.. Not just around us but within us too.. And our bodies.. Faculties.. Health.. So much taken for granted till the day it is slipping out of our hands.. Gaining import as such.. It really hurts if our kids answer us back or question us.. but our hurt is never lost on them too.. and takes its toll on them.. we too need to understand their problems.. and instead of sitting with our hurt and anger, try explaining where they are going wrong.. after all who needs their happiness at any cost except us.. and we cant give up on them so easily.. Read recently that parents are the last people to know what is happening in their kids' lives.. Such a sad fact that is.. For whether it is to avoid hurting them.. Or freaking them out.. Kids do hesitate before sharing in a carefree manner.. we need to stop being a mere parent and find that strength within us to let them make their own mistakes and learn from them.. Only cautioning.. Not stopping them completely from doing something.. in the evening went out and the car kept stalling everywhere.. So each time we had to push the car.. and what i realized once again in waves of heartening faith is how deep is our need to help in time of distress.. Really natural.. Integral.. Instant.. For every person we requested, readily agreed to push the car.. Despite getting wet in the light drizzle that had started nor the strong heat before that.. Last went to nature basket and got really drenched.. Yippee.. First rains snd i got to have a bath! .. So much we had looked forward to the rains.. But when it does rain.. Why dont we raise our heads to feel the droplets on our face.. Embracing the rain Instead of looking down shrinking into ourselves and running for shelter.. But the joy is still there.. the smile.. the fragrance of damp clay.. Intoxicating our senses..